Shattered Dreams

Remember the song “Shattered Dreams” by Johnny Hates Jazz?  That’s what my life has felt like for a long time and especially this last year.

I never thought my marriage would end.  I never imagined having to live without my family.  I never wanted my children to be part of a broken family.  

So I tried to hold on.  I tried to cover up for what was lacking in my marriage, in our family.  I made excuses and I covered for him. Why he wasn’t at our children’s games.  Why he would be so critical and mean spirited.  Why everything had to revolve around him.

I took responsibility for his pain.  The pain that caused him to lash out at me and our children.  The pain that he would never get help for. The pain that would ultimately destroy out marriage.

I left and went back and left and went back and left and went back. Over and over and over again. I’d listen to his excuses “it’s just the way I am.”  “You only hurt the ones you love.”

I’d fall for the lies ” I won’t hurt you anymore.” Because I wanted to believe.  I wanted it to be true. I wanted him to love us more than he loved hurting us.  But it never happened.  And I knew it wouldn’t, but I felt guilty.

I felt like guilty because he was hurting. I felt guilty that I caused his pain (I really didn’t, but I believed I did). I felt guilty because I didn’t believe him.  I feel guilty because he has no one but me and the kids.  I felt guilty because I want my children to have a father that they can admire and look up to. I feel guilty right now even saying it thinking that he’s not.

But my heart knows it’s true.

He isn’t.

The hurt he feels is so deep and it came long before we ever met him.  And instead of finding ways to work through it, he let it turn him into a monster that devoured everything in it’s path.

And I had to say “you can’t destroy me anymore. I won’t let you.”

And I have been called evil.  I have been told that I am disobedient to God.  I have been accused of breaking up our family. 

And I tried.  I tried to figure out how to make it work.  I tried to fight through my hurt and pain and anger and disappointment and frustration.  I tried to.  I really did.

Even now I want to make excuses for him and say that he’s not a bad person.  Because he’s not.  Well, not all the time.  

I really hope that someday he can see that he could be a great man.  But until he let’s go of the ghosts that haunt him, he will always try to destroy all that is good in his life.

And my life is not a sacrificial lamb.

So instead of looking forward to the days with our children getting older and graduating college and getting married and bringing grandchildren home to us, all I have are shattered dreams.
So much for your promises

They died the day you let me go

Caught up in a web of lies

But it was just too late to know

I thought it was you

Who would stand by my side

And now you’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams

Feel like I could run away, run away

From this empty heart

You said you’d die for me
Woke up to reality
And found the future not so bright

I dreamt the impossible

That maybe things could work out right

I thought it was you

Who would do me no wrong

And now you’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams

Feel like I could run away, run away

From this empty heart

You’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams

Feel like I could run away, run away

From this empty heart

From this empty heart
I thought it was you
Who said they’d die for love

And now you’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams

Feel like I could run away, run away

From this empty heart

You’ve given me, given me
Nothing but shattered dreams, shattered dreams

Feel like I could run away, run away

From this empty heart

Oh, no, no, no
You said you’d die for me

Oh, for
Die for me

So much for your promises
So much for your promises

About sjwoods318

Mother of six children - five girls and one boy; wife; community organizer, family chauffeur, philosopher, trans-racial adoptee, Deadhead, person of mixed racial heritage, artist, poet, writer who loves to swim, read, and run around with my family.
This entry was posted in Biography. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Shattered Dreams

  1. Teresa Ba says:

    Love you sweet lady!! So glad you went and took care of YOU and your beautiful children! Takes a long time to heal from all that hurt…I have been there with my first husband. Life turned out so much better!! Prayers for your continued healing! Much love from the Ba house xoxo

  2. Jenn P says:

    Sara, I wish that I could say something to help your pain lessen. I know that this has got to be unbelievably shocking, overwhelming, and disappointing for you and your children. I hope that writing about it helps, as it always has, for you. You are an amazing person. I can’t imagine handling things like you have, with grace and love. Please know that friendship and love is here for you – you have so many. Love and hugs.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s