Pieces of Me

Entering into my third week away and things don’t get any easier.

I knew I would miss my children- that was a given, but I didn’t realize how much their missing me would affect me. 

As an adoptee, thinking about what my kids must be feeling stirs deeply rooted emotions of missing my birth mother.  I remember how much I just wanted to know her.  And now that I know that I  will never know her, I have been able to move on.

But I am alive and my kids have to deal with the emotions of knowing I’m here and not with them.  And it breaks me inside.  The feeling that I am going to burst into a million pieces is gone.  Replaced by the feeling that I AM in a million pieces and I have no fucking clue how to put them together.

Sometimes I think I’ll never be whole again.  My family was my whole life.  It defined me.  I don’t have some great career or my own anything.  I have to rely on my friends for stuff and I hate that.  It makes me feel like a burden or a fucking charity case.  It makes me feel weak when I am being told I am strong.

I’m being asked “what are you good at?”  “What can you do?” from people who are trying to help me find work.

I was good at being a mom and a wife.  That’s what I’m good at.  Centering my life around my family and making sure that they were all good before I worried about me.

Now I’m here, with just me.  And I feel lost.  And lonely.  And confused.

How did I end up here?  What can I do?

Right now, I have no easy answers and all I know for sure is that I miss the hell outta my kids.  I wish they could come see me here.  

Just another day to spend wandering aimlessly hoping to find some direction. Hoping to find a way to get a little bit stronger and not rely on anyone for anything. Have I mentioned that I fucking hate having to rely on anyone? 

About sjwoods318

Mother of six children - five girls and one boy; wife; community organizer, family chauffeur, philosopher, trans-racial adoptee, Deadhead, person of mixed racial heritage, artist, poet, writer who loves to swim, read, and run around with my family.
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