Self Doubt

As an adoptee, I have always struggled with self doubt.

I always am quick to believe that I am not good enough or perfect enough or smart enough.  I always feel like no one would ever want me around.  My own mother- my flesh and blood didn’t want me because I am mixed race, so it’s easy to fall into the pit of self doubt and self pity.

But…. that’s not a place I can languish in for long.  Nor would I want to. I don’t even want to entertain these emotions for a moment, let alone languish in them.

These feelings erode my confidence and makes me retreat from the world.  Even the smallest of rejections are magnified and what seems innocent to others, legitimates all my feelings of worthlessness in me.

And it’s a vicious cruel cycle.

The more I isolate, the more alone and worthless I feel.

So this separation thing is doubly hard because I am isolated because I really do not know anyone here. 

And the friends I do have here, I don’t want to lean on heavily because that changes the dynamic of the friendship.  

However, with that being said, without their support and help, I would have already gone back.  So, I am super appreciative of their friendships.

I know I will get through this.  I often spend a lot of time alone, so that aspect doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that there is no end time to the alone time.

When I was home alone all day when the kids were at school, I knew that they’d be home aroma be 3:15pm and I wouldn’t be alone anymore.

There’s no one here with me coming home to me.  When I come home from work, there is no one to ask me how my day was like I used to do for my husband and kids. 

I guess the best end date will be when they get out of school and we move into a more permanent home.  So I can mark that on the calendar and hold onto that date.

And in the meantime I will find things that fill the empty spaces. Today when I was out walking, I found a YMCA and saw that it had a pool.  That is something I really enjoy- swimming.  And exercising is good for the body and mind.

Plus it’s Mardi Gras time in NOLA so tonight there are a couple parades. Next weekend there will be more. And I live right by the Uptown parade route, so I am fortunate.

It’s just been so long since I have been alone but I think that this alone time will help me conquer my self doubt once and for all.

About sjwoods318

Mother of six children - five girls and one boy; wife; community organizer, family chauffeur, philosopher, trans-racial adoptee, Deadhead, person of mixed racial heritage, artist, poet, writer who loves to swim, read, and run around with my family.
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