On My Own

The view outside my new temporary home.

It’s day ten in NOLA since I left my husband.

I have successfully landed a part time job and have interviewed for another full time one.  If I don’t get it, I will continue to plug away for something fulltime.  

I have also successfully secured a temporary place to lay my head.  I don’t have a stick of furniture or anything that makes a house a home like food or the basics, but it is mine for the time being.

It feels surreal to be on my own after all this time.  For twenty years, my entire life has been wrapped around other people- trying to be the perfect wife and mother.  Always adjusting my wants and needs for those of my husband and children.  

And I think I did a pretty good job.  I have amazing children.  And I was a dedicated and loving wife who honored her husband.  I gave him the family that he always wanted.  The family that many men would kill for. I did it because I loved him. 

I sacrificed my career and my dreams for my family.  And given the same set of circumstances, i would do it again.

Because I never suspected cheating. It wasn’t on my radar until it was on my radar.  Because unless you are a cheater, cheating doesn’t occur to you. So  it never occurred to me.

And aside from him and his actions, I would and still will do whatever it takes for my children.

Being away from them, even if it’s only temporary for them to finish school, is like ripping my heart out of my chest.  The silence is deafening.  The loneliness eats away at my mind and deadens my soul.

Not being there for my daughters’ and son’s basketball games is tortorous.  Not being there when they come home from school makes me feel so empty inside.  They truly are my whole life. Even from a distance, all I think of is them.

I know in my heart I am doing what is best for them. But why does this have to be so hard?

I won’t lie.  I have thought about going back a million times.

But I can’t. I want to show my children, especially my daughters, that they do not have to be manipulated, abused and lied to.  I want to show my son that his mother is strong and beautiful. Not weak and sad all the time.

Even when I feel weak.

One of the hardest parts is believing that I can make it financially. I haven’t worked in thirteen years. Most decent jobs won’t even look at my resume. The job I had the interview for recently had 44 applicants.  It’s hard to wade through that field of people who have recent experience. I need someone to see my potential and give me a chance. 

And as an adoptee, there is the added layer of rejection to every interview that doesn’t land a job. Or even every resume that doesn’t get a call back. It legitimates my feelings of worthlessness. 

So if I can make it through all of this without slipping into a deep depression, I’ll be really fortunate.  Pray for me y’all. Burn a candle. Send good intentions to the universe.  I need it all.

 Even though I have a job, it’s still a daunting task and I fully understand why most women who are stay at home mothers stay, even if they are being abused.  They simply cannot afford to leave.

As it stands now, without a second job, it will be close to impossible to get things like a bed or table.  So if any of y’all wanna help a sistah out, my PayPal is sunshineteaslouisiana@gmail.com.  Or I accept payments through Facebook.

Yesterday I had to pay the water bill so my children’s water didn’t get cut off.  So I still have to maintain them too.  This really is harder than anyone could imagine.

But New Orleans is an amazing city and I truly would not want to be anywhere but here doing this.

I am not gonna ever say this is easy, but I will persist and I will be stronger and my children will be stronger and better.

So welcome to my new adventure.  My life in NOLA.  I hope you enjoy this part of my journey.

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About sjwoods318

Mother of six children - five girls and one boy; wife; community organizer, family chauffeur, philosopher, trans-racial adoptee, Deadhead, person of mixed racial heritage, artist, poet, writer who loves to swim, read, and run around with my family.
This entry was posted in Biography. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to On My Own

  1. Judith Gelman says:

    You are a beautiful person and so important in the lives of so many!

  2. Deborah Johnson says:

    I have been in that darkness, it feels like a deep hole, it’s actually a tunnel with bright sunshine on the other end. As an adoptee, the second guessing, the alone, lonely and abandonment is all brutal, but untrue. I’m here, and there are many others here in the darkness with you. You may not see us, but when you reach out, you will feel us right next to you, ready to catch you, hug you, know you are loved. I don’t have money, but I have lots of “stuff”. Message me with what you need for your new life. I’m happy to send whatever I can. We got you girl. Hugs. ❤

  3. Thinking of you and your kids!! You keep shining. ♡♡♡

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