Pain

My heart has never felt pain like it has this last week with the betrayal of the love of my life.

Well, when I found a grave at the end of my birth mother search, I was crushed, but this feels different.

And no matter his faults, my husband was the love of my life.  Mary J. Blige and Method Man sang had the song “You’re All I need” when we first got together and it explained our feelings toward each other perfectly.

Or so I thought.

I didn’t realize then that I was being led down the primrose path with rose colored glasses on.  People tried to warn me, but I didn’t listen.

I was in love.

Deeply, foolishly in love.

So in love that I wanted to give him the world.  I wanted to show him all the things in life that I had enjoyed, but he hadn’t.  I wanted to show him the man that I saw him being.

And so, I fell.  And we married.  And tried to build a family.

Only to have it destroyed by his lies and infidelity.

At first, it wasn’t physical, just the internet.  That’s what he would tell me.

“It wasn’t real.  It’s you that I love, but these women talk about stuff that I don’t want to you to do with me.”

I begged. I pleaded. I felt like a fool. I cried and begged some more.

Please stop hurting me.

Or let me free.

If you can’t stop hurting me, let me go.

It was always the same.  Always the same old lies and manipulation.  Lies to keep me near.

Until the internet became a physical thing.

And I got the proof of what I suspected.

He had cheated on me.

I don’t think I will ever be the same agian.

And he swears it meant nothing and that he realizes now what he had.

Almost twenty years together and NOW he realizes what he had.

After he prayed to his father about another woman.  The same father that Ibcared for when he was dying  The same father who called me “sweet Sara” and would tell me that I should have been his wife, because he felt I was such a jewel.  NOW he realizes what he had.

But now is too late.

He betrayed my trust and my love.

He tore myheart out of my chest and stomped it into the ground.

I can’t recover from that.  I can’t let him back in after that.

It cuts too deep and hurts too much.

I would never trust him again. I would never believe anything he said anymore.

So I have to move on.

At first, alone, but eventually someone will come around who appreciates me.  Someone who loves me for who and what I am.  Who sees that I would hang the moon for them.

I always wanted it to be him. But I was never enough.

So now I have to pick up my broken heart and try to put the pieces back together and be strong for our childten.

So many things I feel.  Hate. Disgust. Anger. Sadness.  Frustration.  Fear.  Hopeless.

But I know me. Nothing holds me down for long and I will rise.

It’s a shame that he wasn’t patient enough to wait for the finish line.

Because in the end, I win.

 

 

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About sjwoods318

Mother of six children - five girls and one boy; wife; community organizer, family chauffeur, philosopher, trans-racial adoptee, Deadhead, person of mixed racial heritage, artist, poet, writer who loves to swim, read, and run around with my family.
This entry was posted in Biography. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Pain

  1. Pamela Karanova says:

    I’m so so sorry for your broken heart and all that is and has gone on. I’m here if you need to talk or vent! Email: pamelakaranova@gmail.com That trust thing rings so deep, especially for adoptees! There is NOTHING if there is no trust, and once its gone it’s next to impossible to regain it. I’m praying for your strength my friend. ❤

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