Every now and then, people ask me “Why are you so Angry?” And at first, I chuckle, because they don’t really know me, but are asking me a deeply personal and complex question. And I know they don’t have the time to hear my answer.
But, I readily admit that I am angry.
I will even admit that I have a ton of reasons to be angry now and pretty much for the rest of my life.
Well, being put up for adoption and living my whole life surrounded by people that really do not like people who look like me and are very vocal about is part of it . It kinda pissed me off a bit.
Let’s be honest, just being given away pisses me off. By my freaking mother, the person who the world dubs as the person who loves you the most of all beside God and Jesus – given away. Mostly everyone else got a mama. And I’m not knocking adoption here – I was adopted – but I mean the person who birthed you – that’s what most people get.
And as much as I want to tip toe around it and act like it doesn’t matter to me. It does. So now it’s out. I’m pissed that my mother gave me away. And if you don’t know what that feels like, you have no right to try to tell me how I should feel about it.
So I was given away. And to white people. I know, I know. I should be grateful I had a home. But I am sorry, but if I don’t speak this out, then I will never be able to get past it.
Being given away to white people messes with my mind. It has messed with my mind for a long time. I cannot understand how someone who had racist parents would not see or care what about what it would be like for their own flesh and blood to be surrounded by white people all their lives.
I know, she probably didn’t think about it. But why didn’t she?
The thought that this wasn’t even a concern of hers, makes my blood boil at times.
So, yeah, I am angry.
And let’s not talk about the bullshit I had to face in between my birth and today. It’s been a lot of bullshit. More than most people would be able to face. I know that. I know that everyone has their own cross to bear. But damn… sometimes I need to either be crucified or exonerated.
Then there’s hypocrisy and injustice and my people being talked about and treated like dogs. It’s just enough to make me want to beat my head against the wall.
So, yeah, sometimes I am fucking pissed.
And don’t get me started on how the country is such a messed cesspool of racism and sexism and classism and just about every other damn ism there is. But it is. And honestly, there’s no where on earth that is exempt from this ill. Basically human beings are self centered at their best and cruel and destructive at their worst. And in between is just iterations of those two extremes.
That’s right. People suck. For the most part it’s just cuz we are selfish (I am not excluding myself from that list) but a lot of times it’s because we just hurt and lashing out at everyone and everything around us.
Yes, so living around angry people all the time has made me freaking angry.
I think I covered it all for right now.
Here’s the thing, I don’t sit in anger. I get mad. I go off. I don’t hold it inside and I let anyone who wants to listen how I feel. (Keep in mind, you have to option to not listen and block me out- if I annoy you, exercise that option).
One of the greatest poems of all times was Allen Ginsburg’s Howl. I bet Ginsburg felt better after he wrote that poem. I know that once I let my anger out and name it, I start to feel better. And I get a little less angry.
So, you can ask all day “why are you angry?” and Imma tell you: I need to get this out before it consumes me. And mostly because I tired of being angry.
So I howl and then I get to work trying to change the things in the world that make me angry.