As an adoptee, I have learned through my life that the only person I can really trust is me. I have learned that the thought of having a “normal” family is but a fanciful dream. I have learned that speaking on these things gets me labeled or ignored.
When the person who carried you for nine months gives you to the state with no real care of where you will go and what will happen to you, you learn that relationships are transient and that they have no meaning.
At this point in my life, I have stopped caring. I don’t care who is untrustworthy, that is on them. People who do things that vex my spirit tend to have their spirits vexed right back. Karma is strong in my life, so I don’t worry about who “runs tells dat” – because they will eventually choke on their words. I don’t worry about people who spy and lurk around with the express purpose of reporting back to people who don’t like me, because an old friend once told me “publicity is publicity, if they talking about you, that means that you that bitch”
Yeah, I know. They wish they could be me. I lose zero sleep over people who betray my trust.
However, even when I say that I don’t care, there is still this feeling deep in my soul that screams out to me that I should care. I should still open myself to them. I still should be fighting the fight to have adoptee voices heard and understood.
But then I say, “why?” What do I gain from this giving of my thoughts and my energy and my dreams and my hopes? What do I gain by sharing all of this with people who smile in my face and stab me in the back?
I have nothing to gain by these encounters and I find that I have grown weary from even trying anymore.
I find that I don’t want to share my knowledge and I don’t want to be their teacher anymore.
And subsequently I have decided that I want to spend the rest of my days immersed in the same selfishness that they exist in . I find that I want to center my whole life around the things that I want and I desire and that if someone fails to provide that for me, they will be cut off.
Because honestly, you can trust no one, so why even try?
To me, this is why adoptees become “angry” and “bitter” – when they start speaking the truth of the world around them and I have no problems with that. Those are their labels, they don’t penetrate me.
I still think it’s funny to be talked about. It’s odd to me, because I really live a very boring life, so the fact that my boring life is the topic of conversation says that their lives are even more boring.
I’ll be “angry” and “bitter” for the rest of my days. But I will also be fulfilled and happy.
And in the end, that is the goal.