I’ll tell you this —
No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn.
Let me tell you about heartache and the loss of god
Wandering, wandering in hopeless night
Out here in the perimeter there are no stars…
Out here we is stoned…
So this new creature emerged from the psych ward.
Angry. Frustrated. Cold. Conniving. A person seeking revenge on those who had or who would hurt me but wanting to secretly plot how to get it accomplished in a way that wouldn’t get me caught up in anything like I just got out of.
I was through being the sweet, nice girl everyone to me they thought I was.
I began being more and more obsessed with Jim Morrison.
I also traded my obsession for Erv toward another guy. This time he would be a long term focus for me and even become my first real true love. He tried so hard to love a damaged person too. But at the time when he slipped from friend to obsession, I was so far gone emotionally that there “was not enough love in the world” to save me.
But before I jump ahead, I want to talk about my friends and companions at this time last in my life. I want to just share my exact thoughts from when I was there and I hope if I hurt anyone’s feelings that they understand that I wrote this 25 years ago. Seriously, please forgive me. Anything insensitive and discriminatory that I said back then were the thoughts of a kid and not my thoughts today at all.
Much of it echoes things I heard growing up. I still harbored a deep fear and prejudices against Black people at this time in my life too.
I’ve grown up and grown as a person.
I say different discriminatory shit these days. 🙂
(I wonder if my friend Charlie remembers Bert the Fish.<><
Anyway, I still love every single one of these people I mention here. I grew so much during my time with each and every one of them.
Whether it was studying in Richmond cafeteria.
Or sitting up all night listening to someone play the guitar or watch them play pool or video games.
Or watching Ferris Bueller at least nine thousand times.
Or going out to PJs for quarter drafts or ladies night or free beer/dollar Molson night
When I was surrounded by such great friends, I wish I had been a great friend too. I think my recklessness scared my friends and they worried about me more than they should have. We’ll probably not. I’m probably alive because of their prayers.
It never occurs to mad people that others are being hurt too. Or that there are long term ramifications for your actions.
But it was not fair for me to be such a drag on their youth.
I was truly blessed with amazing friends.
I was surrounded by greatness, amazingly smart and enlightened people who would be the only reason I was able to get out through college with the mindset that I had adopted.