I’ve always loved to write poetry. I even had one of my poems published in the newspaper when I was ten years old. I never wanted to be a writer back then, I wanted to be a lawyer and make lots of money. I was very astute, I knew that writers definitely did not make a lot of money, so law was my career choice. Writing was my hobby. Fate is funny and instead of either, I became a mom, who still writes for fun.
I was always an avid reader as well. I would read any book I could get my hands on. I would read every where, all the time. I was one of those kids that read under the blanket at night with a flashlight. I have always loved to read. As a child, I loved books about ghosts and haunted houses. I even read the book Helter Skelter which was about the Manson murders and I couldn’t sleep for a week.
Aside from poetry, I wrote stories.
When I was younger, my writing was very simple. I kept my journals from school in the hopes that one day when my birth mother found me, I could share them with her. I was also writing in my journals at home to her. I never realized how much I longed to know her as a child until I got to be an adult. To me it was never a constant present thought, but more of a background melody that played all day. My conversations with her played in my head constantly as if I had to fill her in on everything that I was doing. So I kept a record of it all, so she could see.
The more I started writing poetry, the more the true feelings that were inside of me started to come out. This is where I know that the happy person I was showing the outside, was hiding a darker, sadder side. There had been many layers and many feelings piled up inside me and I always felt like I could never speak my mind. Even to this day, I can never fully tell the people who hurt me how they made me feel. They would dismiss my feelings and that would enrage me. So, I don’t go there. But for this time in my life, I finally had found an outlet … my words.
My writing will always be a source of great solace for me. A place where I can get how I feel off my chest and just let it go. I often hear people critique other people’s writings and say “why dwell on the past?” This simply is not true, to me putting the words in writing releases them once and for all… now that they are out, I never have to think about them again. When I wrote the poems above, I released those feelings. It’s not to say I never felt sadness or loneliness again, but for the future, I knew a place I could go to let those feelings fade away. And for that particular moment, I felt at peace. And it was nice.
In many ways, despite having tons of friends and being very well liked, I was a lonely kid. I remember feeling like a shadow, something that was there, but no one really ever acknowledged. I would never say that anyone tried to make me feel this way, it just was how I felt and something that I had to wrestle with and work through. As I entered into high school, still the happy over achieving, perfect child, I was hiding my true feelings. I do know that like Paul Simon, “My books and my poetry protect[ed] me.”